Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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