Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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