the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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