hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
