Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
