Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
