Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
