someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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