Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
