her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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