no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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