shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
