I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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