She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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