youre lurking in front of me
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
