yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We're too hungover to prance.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
