and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
