I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
