Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Barsexuality is the new black.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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