I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
