You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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