So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
