i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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