why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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