textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
