I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
