this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
