sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
