After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
