I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
