chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
