Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
My life is pants optional.
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