this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
