I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
