I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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