After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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