Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Randomize
