I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
