We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
