if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
