I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
