i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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