I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
