My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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