Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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