please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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