Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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