i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
