I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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