Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
