If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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