and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
one two three fourrrrnication!
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
