your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
