The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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